Twenty-nine was a rollercoaster year…up and down and round and round. I felt as if my world was crumbling apart with each passing day. I lost myself in the changes, and felt as if the ending of my twenties symbolized the ending of so many dreams and goals that I felt like were now unattainable as I approached the big 3-0. I had my heart broken by the person I thought was going to be my forever constant. I was stuck in a job that I hated, but felt like there was no way out. I watched as one of my best friends suffered through the biggest betrayal and heartache imaginable. Trust was not a word in my vocabulary. I did not even have the trust or belief in myself that I could or would pull myself from the pit of self-pity that I had fallen into. I had no clue what my place was in the world. I was exhausted from running away from myself and the reality of where I was in my life.
As I got closer and closer to this dreaded mile-marker of adulthood (30) I could feel an upward pull, pulling me into a happier place each day. My sadness and anxiety were replaced with a sense of excitement and encouragement. When I thought about being 30 and all that I had going for me, I found myself smiling. Not the 1-2-3 for a picture smile, but a deep, internal, this is my life and I love it smile. Not much had changed with my circumstances, but I definitely had experienced a change from within during the last 6 months of my 20’s.
My 30th birthday was perfect! I was surprised by my friends and family for an amazing dinner and just a night of reflection on the different chapters that I had shared with everyone there. I was on Cloud 9 and knew that my 30th year was going to be my lucky year! Two days later…I lost my job. Yes, I was miserable and dreaded going to work everyday – but, never expected to become unemployed two days after my 30th birthday. It was a definite blow to my ego, but I did my best to remain positive and keep on the upward path. I had to remind myself that I still had the most amazing family, the best group of friends and a boyfriend that made me smile. I knew that I had so much going for me and that I could not let one bump take me down.
This little “bump” was more or less perfect timing. There was a group of about 20 of us going to New Orleans to celebrate my birthday, so I had that to look forward to while I started searching out a new job. As I started job hunting I really tried to focus on what I wanted to do, what would make me happy, as well as what I thought I’d be good at. I ended up falling in to what I thought would be my dream job. The first month or so was like a dream come true – I was getting to work with local businesses helping them to grow their business, as well as plan and execute events – seriously exactly where I had always wanted to be.
Well, my dream job slowly transitioned into a nightmare. I became dissatisfied more and more each day, it was an on-going battle…even getting paid became a task. As much as I tried to stay positive, I let the negativity take over, but kept my happy face on the surface. As I reached my breaking point I guess they sensed it and “dissolved” my position – I later found out this was a big fat lie and realized what I had always known was the truth, that this was a decision made on a personal vs professional level.
I felt myself slipping back into that pit of self-pity, which I knew was the path to self-destruction. I started experiencing the downward spiral while being employed and now being unemployed, yet again, only intensified these feelings. I quickly lost my way. I began to question everyone. Their intentions, their motives, their words. I questioned myself. What am I doing with my life? Why do I continue to fail? How can I continue to let everyone down? What do I have to offer? I was a ticking time-bomb just waiting to explode. I tucked myself away in my shell, not wanting to talk to anyone because I didn’t want to have to own up to what I saw as my continual failure. I picked myself apart, as well as those closest to me. I was on the path of destruction, not only of myself, but also of many relationships that I had fought so hard for. I tried to pretend that I was okay, that I was going to overcome this obstacle. All the while I was doubting my every move. Well, the pretending finally caught up with me and I lost it.
I have always been one to avoid confrontation at all costs, even if it meant giving up a part of me. I know that this is damaging to one’s soul, and it is a flaw that I continue to work on every day. But, give me a glass or 2 of wine and you’ll know my emotional state of mind, whether you want to or not (another teensy flaw that I’m working on ) The suppression of my sadness, anxiety, self-doubt and pretty much every other emotion led to heartache. The bomb exploded; the only fatality was the relationship with my boyfriend.
I was instantly devastated. NO! this cannot be happening. I felt completely broken and worthless, I was a mess. I kept playing the past few months over and over in my head, accepting all of the blame for the break-up. I wrote letters, I played out conversations in my head, you name pretty much any pathetic, sappy love movie heartbreak scene and I could have been playing the role of the one that just got dumped – looking back on it, I am disgusted to think that I let myself get to that point. I thought how can I hit so many lows in such a short period of time?
Suddenly, I woke from what I saw as this ongoing nightmare, only to realize that it was a beautiful dream! It hit me; this is my time to shine! All of these circumstances and events that I saw as lows aren’t really lows, they were just the lower steps to the higher place that I am on my way to.
I just recently started living again, and it feels amazing! This path of self-discovery has been a tough one, but honestly I wouldn’t go back and change a thing. I don’t have it all figured out by any means. I still don’t have a job. I am 100% single. But, I am truly happy for the first time in a long time.
I now see that:
- My self-worth is not measured by my career, relationships, income, or lack thereof
- You can’t make someone love you, no matter how hard you fight or how much you give
- I have a mind full of ideas, some good, some silly, some probably a little far-fetched; but, I can, and I will make big things happen and I will no longer look back with regret
- I have the most supportive and amazing family - the true illustration of unconditional love
- My girls are my forever constant
- Success is not measured by the money you make, your material possessions or how you are perceived by society. Success is an internal feeling and you are responsible for deeming yourself successful. God created you, therefore you are success in His eyes…is there anything more valuable than that?
